Dear Zelda: Our agony aunt offers advice on putting the spark back in your relationship and dealing with an abusive mother
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years with some rocky patches, drama and both of us briefly seeing other people. We love each other and are happy together, but our sex life has become monotonous; the same thing every time, and it’s over rather quickly. Previously, we had an adventurous sex life with both of us willing to try new things. We are both 21 and I don’t want to give up passionate sex just yet. For a while I kept trying to make it more fun, but I ended up feeling embarrassed by putting myself out there and getting nothing back. Does every couple go through something like this? Is he just not that into me any more or is there anything I can do to make us both feel sexy again? You care for each other, but it sounds as if you have become more like good friends than lovers. Sometimes relationships go through periods when there is little or no sex, but usually there is a reason – such as exhaustion after the birth of a baby, a stressful job, redundancy or a death in the family.
Maybe after getting back together it felt exciting at first, but that hasn’t been sustained. You need to discuss this with your boyfriend, and find out why he no longer responds when you try to recapture your exciting sex life. It may be that as you have been together since you were both 18, part of him wants to play the field, and maybe you do too. If he is not prepared to try to reignite your sex life, I don’t think this relationship has a future.
My cruel mother shut me out
When I was young, my mother would exclude me from all family gatherings. Once, when she had baked cakes, I came out of my room to see if I could have one. My grandmother marched me outside and smashed one of my beloved ornaments against a wall, saying: ‘This is what happens when you are disobedient.’ I also suffered from asthma, and Mum would stand by my bed telling me I wasn’t worth educating as I was going to die young, and why was she being punished by having a sick child? It still hurts to write these things. I suffer from agoraphobia and I have had counselling. Now I have my own loving family and have so much to be thankful for. Before Mum died, I did learn to love her.What you describe was an emotionally abusive relationship, at the hands of your mother and grandmother.
Maybe your mother was frightened and dominated by her mother, which is why she treated you that way, but she should have protected you.
You have a loving family, and have not repeated that bullying parenting. I am so sorry your mother did not do the same.
Agoraphobia can be caused by stressful life events or intense negative experiences in your past. Please talk to your GP to see if you can have cognitive behavioural therapy.
I want them to stay together
Last year, Dad exchanged messages and phone calls with a woman behind Mum’s back. When Mum found out, he stopped and promised nothing more had happened. They tried to solve the issues and seemed better than ever. But now they’re back in the same situation, and Mum brings up what happened all the time. My younger sister knows nothing about this. They both discuss it with me when the other one’s not there. How can I get them to listen to me? I’m scared of losing my family.You’re their daughter, not their counsellor, and it’s too much responsibility for you to carry. On the positive side, they were able to sort things out before, so they could do it again. If your mother is having a go at your father, he’s likely to be defensive or to withdraw from her.
They need to discuss how to make each other feel loved and supported. Tell them how upset all this is making you, and that your sister will be picking up on the tension. Ask them to have joint counselling with Relate (tel: 0300 100 1234, relate.org.uk).
Contact ZeldaIf you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.ukZelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally A love like ours: Eva and Yannis don’t need a relationship nip and tuckEva, 34, says I’m Bulgarian, Yannis is Greek and we met in Miami, where I was helping him sell some real estate. He sounded older on the phone, so it was a nice surprise to see a young, good-looking man. We have been married for eight years and have two sons, aged seven and two.
I admire his persistence and ambition. We work together – he is a cosmetic surgeon and I run the business side of our 111 Skin skincare range. We do disagree. He wanted to add an SPF to our day cream, but it changed the texture, so we compromised and offered both options.
Because of what we do, it’s important to look good; we exercise together at home with a high-intensity workout DVD. We are competitive – if I see him getting dressed for a run, I tend to follow. I understand that he needs to unwind after a stressful day in surgery, so we’ve started taking singing lessons, too – we’re really bad at it, but it’s still uplifting.
Yannis would never operate on me or friends. It is considered unethical in the UK and the US, where he trained. Though when I had a breast uplift, after I had our children, he did supervise the procedure.
Yannis, 45, says Working with Eva means we have to make time for ourselves, and not let work creep into our weekends. We often go to the opera or out for dinner. Eva is incredibly loving. She is principled and, through working together, I have seen her confident, responsible and organised side shine. It was natural for her to become part of the business, as she was always interested in it.
Having her on the operating table, even with a colleague doing the work, was nerve-racking. But, if she wanted to have cosmetic surgery, I wouldn’t be against it.
Visit 111skin.com; the products are also available from harrods.com
