My son, who is in his mid-30s, had a promising career in IT. He started his own business, made money but had difficulties with alcohol and low-level drug abuse. During the recession his business failed, he built up large debts and his girlfriend and friends moved on. Since then he has been living alone without work. I have been supporting him financially, paying his mortgage and bills and clearing his debts. He eventually got professional help and has cut right back on drink and drugs, but has been suffering with depression. He says he wants to work but has not made an effort to find any. I suspect he may be taking advantage of me because he knows I love him and would never allow him to end up homeless. My husband and I are retired and it’s a struggle to support him. He is taking advantage of you. It will be hard, but you need to exercise ‘tough love’. The longer he is out of work the more difficult it will be for him to get a job.
He should see his GP to help with his depression and to cut out drugs completely – the money should go towards paying his bills.
Explain that you are struggling to keep him afloat and that if he hasn’t got a job in, say, three to six months then you can’t continue to pay his mortgage or his debts. So if he has not seriously tried to get a job, his house could be sold and he can then apply for housing benefit, or he could move back to live with you temporarily and rent his property to cover the mortgage.
In the long run you will be helping him because he will be more likely to find a job, make new friends and get a life than if you continue to fund him. He could try visiting the websites totaljobs.com and nationalcareersservice.direct.gov.uk.
I still can’t forgive him
After ten years alone I met and fell in love with a man who made me feel like a woman again. He seemed to be deeply in love with me and we made long-term plans. Then, after 18 months, he stopped calling and rejected all contact. After two months, he finally responded saying he needed time and I was to get on with my life. A year later I am still angry and have visions of hurting him. I don’t think I can move on until I find out why he has treated me this way.It is always difficult to get over a love affair, especially when it has been ended by email or text with no explanation – that is very cowardly on his part.
You could try to contact him and say you are not trying to get back together but could you meet just once to talk about why he ended the relationship. But I don’t think he will respond.
Let go of your anger – it’s self-destructive. Does he have a history of broken relationships? He’s showing all the traits of a commitment-phobic man: at the beginning he adores you and talks of a future together, but when you respond he panics and sabotages or ends the relationship.
Should I follow my dream?
I am 17 and studying business and administration at college. Even though I have brilliant friends, a career in this area is not my ideal vocation. I want to do a media course and work in TV or film production. I live with my grandmother, who thinks this is just a dream and wants me to be realistic. She is trying to control my life and it’s damaging our relationship.If this is something you really want, then you need to start by doing a lot of research. Ask for career guidance from your college and look on the internet for media or film studies degree courses.
Contact the colleges to find out all about the courses and, very importantly, what their track record is in the sort of jobs their students get when they leave. You must also recognise that this is a competitive world.
Talk to your grandmother and other family members about your intentions, and if she sees how determined you are, she might change her mind.
Relationship Clinic: Oh baby, baby… When couples can’t agree on children Britney and Jason have ended their engagement
The turbulent love life of Britney Spears has run into troubled waters yet again. The 31-year-old singer has split from her fiancé Jason Trawick, her former agent. Publicly Britney said, ‘Jason and I have decided to call off our engagement. I’ll always adore him and we will remain great friends.’ However, a source close to the couple revealed that they ended their relationship because Britney wanted children and Jason didn’t.
This is one issue on which it’s impossible to compromise
Britney already has two children – Sean, seven, and Jayden, six – from her marriage to dancer turned rapper Kevin Federline. In November 2006, just two months after Jayden’s birth, Britney filed for divorce.
She and Kevin agreed to joint custody of their children. But over the next year Britney’s life spiralled out of control with hard partying, a suspected drug binge and sessions in rehab. As a result, in October 2007 she lost custody of her sons to Kevin, but later regained visiting rights.
I suspect that underlying Britney’s desire to have more children is the need to be a more reliable mother. And perhaps Jason’s reluctance to have children is because he’s still concerned about Britney’s mental health.
Having children or not is one issue on which it’s virtually impossible to compromise – you can’t, after all, have half a child.
With other areas of disagreement couples can usually find some middle ground, but agreeing to have a child purely because your partner wants one is not a good idea, because children change your life more than you realise and the decision is irreversible.
To make the decision not to have children for your partner’s sake is not a good idea either, as chances are you will end up resenting them. So, hard as it is, it is better to accept that the relationship does not have a future.
ZELDA WEST-MEADS
Contact ZeldaIf you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.ukZelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally
