The bank account is empty and his mess bills are high because he buys drinks for himself and his friends. He says to her: ‘Repeat after me; I’m a fat cow,’ and tells her she is useless. They have a two-year-old child and she works hard in her part-time job. He has been physically abusive and the police have been involved. She rings us about his behaviour and her mother tells her to divorce him, as he won’t change. I wake with dread every morning and I feel responsible for what he is doing to her. Should I confront my son and try to shame him into better behaviour? I used to want to see him, but not any more.Sadly, because of your son’s abusive behaviour your daughter-in-law probably does need to end the marriage.
Unfortunately, it often takes time for a woman to leave an abusive man, because she still loves him and hopes, despite the evidence, that he will change.
Or she may be intimidated or have little or no money. For help and support she could contact the Naval Personal and Family Service (royalnavy.mod.uk), which offers advice on separation and domestic abuse.
Possibly her mother could offer your daughter-in-law and her child a home until she can be more independent. You are not responsible for your son’s behaviour.
But you should tell him that the way he is treating his wife is unacceptable.
Ask him why he is so angry, and to seek help in managing his temper and also to drink less.
I can’t cope with a baby at my age
I am 42 and have just discovered that I am six weeks pregnant with my fourth child. My elder two from my first marriage are 18 and 15 and my youngest is nearly seven. I am at my wits’ end and will be 60 by the time this baby is 18. I have already done 16 years of school runs and ferrying them around. Can I really do all that again? I don’t believe in abortion but I don’t think I can keep this child either. My husband is self-employed, obsessed with work and at times moody and unhelpful. He will go with whatever I decide. I’m terrified and in a real muddle.It seems as though your husband’s role in this marriage is that of a provider, and a lot of the time you have brought up the children alone. So the thought of starting all over again, which you have done before, is daunting.
I do understand your feelings about abortion, but bringing an unwanted child into the world is not a good idea either. Having mixed feelings about a pregnancy is highly stressful.
It would help to talk this through. Contact Marie Stopes (tel: 0845 300 8090, mariestopes.org.uk), which offers telephone andface-to-face pregnancy counselling. It’s a decision you have to make yourself. I can’t make it for you.
Is it more than a teenage crush?
I am 16, in my last year at high school and have a really close group of friends. There is a boy in our group who I really like, but I’m scared to tell him or ask him out. He smiles and flirts with me a lot but when I asked a mutual friend to find out how he felt about me, he said the boy sees me only as a friend. I don’t know if he was just saying that because he isn’t sure about how he feels. I have never had a boyfriend. I don’t want to go to college and be the odd one out.Does this boy just flirt with you or does he flirt with the other girls too?
If so then he probably likes the fun of flirting and should not be taken too seriously. I think he just sees you as a friend, so leave it to him to do any asking.
There will be plenty of other boys at college and, believe me, many 16-year-olds have never had a boyfriend.
Contact ZeldaIf you have a problem, write to Zelda West-Meads at: YOU, Northcliffe House, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TS, or email z.west-meads@you.co.ukZelda reads all your letters but regrets that she cannot answer them all personally A love like ours: Hannah and Nelson kindled a long-distance liaison Nelson was Hannah's first boyfriend but she felt he was the one so married himHannah, 28, says Nelson was my first ever boyfriend. I was 16 and on holiday in Portugal with girlfriends in 2000. He and his friends were trying to chat us up but we gave them the cold shoulder.
Later that evening, we bumped into each other and got talking. We became teenage sweethearts and, 18 months later, he moved to the UK to join me and started a course at Leeds University.
Unfortunately, I’d already decided to take a gap year so just as he arrived I left for Fiji. Looking back, it must have been so hard for him as he barely spoke any English. That year apart was the tough. There was no internet access on the island and we only spoke once a week.
We got used to being apart, which makes it easier for us now that I travel a fair bit for my business. I spend weeks in Portugal now, as it’s where I get my clothing line made up. Nelson is very supportive of my long working hours and the secret to our happy marriage is lots of laughter and fun. It felt so right to marry my first boyfriend.
Nelson, 33, says As a lifeguard, I spoke to strangers all day but when I met Hannah, I was hooked. We started dating and had a long-distance relationship for a year chatting on the internet.
In 2002, just as I moved to the UK to go to Leeds University to be closer to Hannah, she travelled to Fiji for a year to teach maths, which had been planned for a long time. It was hard to deal with being so far apart.
We were both students without the money to make long-distance calls and the technology we have now, but we always stayed faithful to each other.
Then, in 2010, exactly ten years after we met, I took her back to that beach in Portugal and proposed.
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