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BEL MOONEY: My mum wants me to take her side in her bitter rows with dad

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DEAR BEL

I’m the youngest of four and recently celebrated my 19th birthday.

My parents have been married for more than 30 years and seemed stable and content for as long as I can remember (if not overtly happy).

However, my mum has started to express how dissatisfied she is with my dad. Over the years, they’ve grown apart. She spent a lot of her time with us, but as we’ve grown up she’s realized there is something missing in her life.

I’ve tried talking to her and attempted to convince both of them to make more time for each other, but it seems like too little too late at this point.

Having always been the baby of the family, I’ve had a very close relationship with her and I’ve told her that (as we are all grown up) it doesn’t affect us that much and that she should do whatever makes her happy. 

However, recently she has started to be more vocal — bad-mouthing my father, saying he was never about and never did anything with us when we were kids.

While I admit he was often absent, he was working a six-day week for many years to provide for the whole family. I fear that if they divorce my mother’s bitterness will force me and my siblings to choose between them.

I love my parents and desperately want a relationship with both of them.

Indeed, while I’m close to my mother, if they were to split I would most likely end up living with my dad (I’m currently still in full-time education), as I fear he would be in most need of support. How do I avoid getting in the middle of their break-up?

And how do I remain close to my father without making it seem like I’m ‘taking sides’.

STEVE

Your letter (which I admire for its gentle intelligence) is topical, although it arrived on January 21, before all the publicity which exposed to the world the sad and shocking email exchange between former Cabinet Minister Chris Huhne and his son, which should have remained private. 

On February 5, I wrote an article on that subject in the Mail, in which I made this point: ‘To me, this is one of the outrages of modern life — that adults seem less and less able to control themselves for the greater good of their families. 

‘So yes, the men (and it is they who break up homes in the majority of cases) are following their passions, with painful consequences.

‘But it’s my conviction that, no matter how hurt she feels, the wife who is left must do everything she can to foster a good relationship between her children and her erring spouse. This was my determined policy during my own separation and divorce. I don’t say it is easy; I say it is a duty.’

Now, when this appeared in Mail Online a number of people made — as they will, not always usefully, one even calling me (hilariously . . . wait for it!) ‘a doormat’. 

Some waxed highly indignant that I seem to be expecting superhuman powers from the wronged wife. Not so.

But no matter how deeply sympathetic I feel to any  angry and hurting spouse  (of either gender) I repeat that  it’s wrong to offload all those feelings on to a child or  young person.

This is my message to wronged partners everywhere: it may be understandable to want to rage to your teenager, ‘Your father has always been a selfish b******.’ But even if you have justice on your side, you must control the vitriol. 

The children you had together have a right to continue a relationship with both parents, even if in time they make their own judgment about the time they want to spend with one or the other.

You wouldn’t feed them poisoned meat, would you? So don’t feed them poisoned words either. 

Steve, you can see how much I sympathise with your feelings and your efforts to try to counsel your parents by suggesting they do more together. Wise lad.

Your mother may be at a stage in her life when all sorts of things (physical as well as mental) are making her feel confused and unhappy, and causing her to think critically about her life to date. 

She probably has many regrets (as do we all) about decisions made and situations tolerated in the past. None of that would be unusual. 

What your mother needs to do is realize that complaining to her son is not the way to deal with her current unhappiness. 

She should try to talk to  your dad frankly, and suggest  they try counselling (it might  be helpful for both of you to  look at relate.org.uk) and do all she can to tackle the situation pro-actively. 

When she next complains to you, aim to stay as calm as possible, tell her you don’t want to hear her criticisms of your dad, but suggest she does something to address them. Which is where counselling comes in. 

Your letter is so vulnerable and full of fear. Yet surely it’s rather early for you to assume that they are going to part. It’s much too soon for you to begin working out with whom you’d live, so take a deep breath and try to put your education first, your parents’ squabbles second.

It could be that this is just a phase, and that their leaky boat will be able to survive these choppy waters and find safer harbour.

Many marriages go through difficult times and recover. You’ve already told your mother, ‘that (as we are all grown up) it doesn’t affect us that much and that she should do whatever makes her happy’.

Yet that’s not strictly true, is it? It does affect you, and the trouble is, your mother doesn’t know what will make her happy.

So next time, tell her you didn’t really mean that. Tell her that you think she’d benefit from talking to a qualified outsider who could give her advice, but in the meantime she shouldn’t unload her woes on you. That’s for a sister or best girlfriend, not a son.

Tell her calmly, but firmly, that — whatever happens — you will never, ever take sides, because you love them both. And that is how it is.

      ***********************************************************************************

Should I ditch my husband for a cat?

DEAR BEL

Depressed because my beloved cat had to be put to sleep, I’m revaluating life with my husband.

I guess our cat was all we had in common. I retired recently and my (older) husband took early retirement years ago.

My health isn’t terribly good but I’m able to manage. The problem is he won’t let me have another cat to fill this terrible hole.

I know we’re both grieving and that must take its course, but I have so much love to give another cat.

We don’t have children, nor a particularly happy marriage. He is the stronger; what he says goes.

He says if I get another cat, he will leave. I wouldn’t put it past him to get a divorce, in which case I’d have to sell the house I love.

I’d struggle to find somewhere to live on half the proceeds and probably wouldn’t be happy, as I like the area and our neighbours. 

I don’t think he loves me. He says he wants his life back, not to be tied to a cat.

But he never wants to go out with me for a meal. He just drinks a hell of a lot — I suspect he’s a functioning alcoholic.

I thought about volunteering at an animal rescue centre, but can’t stand too long. Another cat would bring such joy and relieve my stress.

What should I do? I can’t get a friend to buy me one as he’d make me take it back. I’ve pleaded and cried to no avail.

Perhaps I’m selfish as it’s his home too, but an older cat wouldn’t be that much trouble. What do you think? 

Am I am being unreasonable in wanting to brighten my days instead of just living with a grumpy, miserable man? SALLY-ANN

    More from Bel Mooney...   BEL MOONEY: Even when I beg, my husband refuses to have sex with me 01/06/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I let my drunken, vicious ex-lover be a father to our baby? 24/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I boycott my mother's wedding to this ghastly gold-digger? 17/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Can I cure loneliness by selling up to be near my new love? 11/05/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm crying out for love but can't escape this black hole of despair 03/05/13   BEL MOONEY: We haven't had sex for 19 years but I can't escape my cheating husband... 26/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband... 12/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  

Given a choice between your selfish man and a purring cat to stroke and care for, I’d choose the pet any day.

I’m sorry, those blunt words just flew from my fingertips and so I will let them stand.

What’s more, countless readers will agree. You do not have to be an animal lover (indeed, you may hate the idea of sharing life with a dog or cat) to understand that this isn’t a letter about pet bereavement, it’s about an unsatisfactory marriage.

As I grow older, I find myself asking ‘Why?’ more and more — and becoming less sympathetic to the idea of remaining in a marriage through fear of the unknown.

Yes, when there is a family I want couples to make a real effort to stay together, and usually advise counselling as a sensible option. Then, when a couple is set on divorce I would advise going to mediation (see nfm.org.uk) as the most civilised action to sort things out before lawyers become involved.

But what can I say to a woman who has obviously been downtrodden by her husband for most of her married life? Why should anybody call the shots in what should be an equal relationship? Why put up with it?

Why accept the fact that you have to see out your precious remaining days on this earth with a husband who turns his back on your tearful pleas to be allowed to go to a rescue centre and give a needy, older cat a loving home?

You say he’s ‘grieving’ too, but it doesn’t sound like it. If he did have feelings for your cat, he ought to be sympathetic to your sadness and yearning for a new pet.

And cats are far less of a ‘tie’ than dogs, for heaven’s sake. I hate to say this, but something is telling me that since you have no family to take over your home, it might be better to make a new start.

Why accept unhappiness for the sake of a house? So why not call his bluff? Call the shots yourself, for a change. Tell him you’d like a divorce because you prefer the idea of life in a cosy little flat, with a cat on your bed.

If he agrees, then you are better off without him. If he chickens out, then you’ll soon be spoiling a new puss with chicken too. Be brave. Why not show him this to start the conversation?

  AND FINALLY: Loneliness is a blot on our society

Journalists tend to get used to bad news. But I was still shocked by a document launched this week by Macmillan Cancer Support.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Called Facing The Fight Alone, it details a number of depressing facts — for example, that one in four (23 per cent) of the 325,000 newly diagnosed cancer patients in the UK (an estimated 70,000 each year) lack support from family and friends during their treatment and recovery.

And a third of those (7 per cent) — an estimated 20,000 people each year — will receive no help whatsoever, facing cancer completely alone. (For more information, visit macmillan.org.uk)

It’s not the incidence of cancer which depresses me, but the lack of compassion within our society.

It’s impossible to read this report without also thinking of the disturbing revelations about lack of care within the NHS.

In the supposedly enlightened 21st century, when people get worked up to the point of hysteria about fashionable issues (like fox-hunting, for example) — if nurses are incapable of real nursing, and families fail to act like families and we do not love our neighbour as ourselves . . . what are we coming to?

These are the basics. The bedrock of human life. Without them, there is nothing on which the edifice of our civilisation can stand.

Another quote from the Macmillan report: ‘Family members and friends living too far away, having other commitments, or patients just having no one to turn to are the most common reasons patients lack support.

‘Other than a visit from a health professional, one in eight (12 per cent) of people living with cancer surveyed haven’t had a single visit from friends or family in more than six months.’

The charity says, ‘. . . these figures are just the tip of the iceberg. As the number of people living with cancer is set to double from two to four million by 2030, isolation will become an increasing problem and we need to address this now. That’s why we are launching a new campaign to help tackle this crisis.’

Thank goodness for this fine charity. But if you know somebody with cancer (or recovering) please reach out and make contact. After all, we may all need such attention ourselves one day.

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