BEL MOONEY: Must I end the secret friendship that could destroy my marriage?

/li> DEAR BELI am writing for advice on a decision that I have to make. I am a married man of 50 and have been happily married for 27 years.

A few years ago, I became infatuated with a younger woman — I don’t know why.

There was no physical contact and very little verbal communication either.

The fallout for myself and my wife was very painful but over time we got back on track.

'My dilemma is that I have not told my wife about this other person, as I am afraid she might be upset'. Bel says: 'If you want to keep the lady a secret, then there's something wrong. So press "delete"

Nine months ago, I met a woman I knew from my youth (no relationship happened) and we talked about how life has been since then.

We’ve been in contact a few times by email, but there’s never been anything inappropriate between us and never will be, as we are more than happy with our partners. We haven’t even swapped phone numbers.

My dilemma is that I have not told my wife about this other person, as I am afraid she might be upset.

I would love to be open about it, but the fallout from my past infatuation means that I am much more guarded.

The fear of causing any more upset has left me at a loss as to the right thing to do.

Do I just carry on as I am, stop all contact or just tell my wife and hope that she trusts me enough to allow me a female friend?PATRICK

Emotional infidelity is only considered harmless by those who elevate the act of sex far above its station. Sex is a quick and easy thing to do; learning to love and to cope with the fallout of love takes a lifetime.

When you’ve been married for 27 years, you (and this applies to women as well as men) are ripe for a romantic dalliance, should one present itself.

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The trouble is, all the lingering thoughts, the secret longings and furtive texts dilute your ‘presence’ within your proper relationship. Your wife knew that and it’s why she was so upset.

Let me introduce you to another reader, in order to flip this coin and help you see exactly what I mean.  Four years ago, 44-year-old Helen discovered that her husband of 17 years ‘was having an emotional affair with an old girlfriend’.

She knows there was no sex, ‘but there is no doubt that things would have developed had they been living closer to each other or if I hadn’t found out’.

Helen’s response was very  different from that of your wife: ‘When I found out, I asked him  to leave so that we could have time to think apart.

‘We were separated for eight months. During that time I had a nervous breakdown and was treated for depression.’

I am sorry that Helen reacted in that dramatic way; how much better to work to ‘get back on track’, like you two. But there’s always a price to pay.

I want you to read Helen’s problem, before we move on to yours: ‘The effects of the separation were hard on my children (now aged 11 and 15).

‘He used to visit every evening after work and when he left, they just cried until they fell asleep.

‘I took my husband back because of the kids, even though he completely refused to discuss the affair or even visit a counsellor with me.

‘I suspect that he returned also for the sake of the kids and not because he loves me.

‘I am hoping to leave once my youngest is older, maybe another four years or so, because I really, really do not trust him at all.

‘He never openly expressed any remorse and refused (still refuses) to discuss what happened. I have no idea why it happened, how long it went on, etc.

‘He really doesn’t seem to understand why I can’t move on and why things can’t return to normal. My main problem now is that I am extremely unhappy — to the extent that I really don’t care whether I live or die.

'My heart still aches every day, despite it being four years since the affair came to light. I cry a lot when I am alone and I am terrified of being unhappy for ever.

‘I hate feeling bitter and sad, but can’t seem to feel “normal” like I did before the affair.

‘Have you any advice on how I could live with him but not feel so sad and bitter? It is killing me.’

I wonder, Patrick, what you would say to Helen? Or what advice your wife might give?

I suspect her answer to Helen might be that you have to hang in there, but it will hurt — and go  on hurting.

You don’t say whether you have children, but, in any case, I’m sure you will read Helen’s anguish with compassion and share my opinion that (a) she should have tried to work things out at the time instead of sending her husband away, and (b) that he (insensitive man) could only realise that she has a right to expect him to communicate with her.

How on earth can she ‘move on’ if he remains buttoned up in his stifling cloak of selfish silence?

Here’s what Relate has to say (relate.org.uk): ‘Talk it through. The whole process may take months or longer.

‘Often, the unfaithful partner wants to draw a line under events and not talk about them, or a faithful partner is reluctant to ask questions in case the answers are too painful. It is important to tell the story of the affair and why it happened.’

I advise Helen to seek counselling for her ongoing bitterness and Relate is a good place to start.

You, Patrick, don’t need therapy, but to be careful, grown-up and strong.

You offer three choices for yourself, so let’s look at them in turn.

To ‘carry on’ means to be secretive — and after last time that is a  non-starter. Do you want your wife to feel as miserable and bitter as Helen?

No, you certainly don’t. You also know that if you tell her, there’s no way your wife will trust you not to become infatuated like before. So do you ‘stop all contact’?

That seems a bit tough — and I have always believed that couples ought to ‘allow’ each other to have varied friendships, of both genders.

So, if you are as happy in your marriage as you maintain, and if the lady is too, then why can you not arrange to go out for a pub meal as a foursome? This is the test.

If you want to keep the lady a secret, then there’s something wrong. So press ‘delete’.

  Can the bereaved ever find love again?

DEAR BEL

Two years after the sudden death of my wonderful husband of 25 years, I was introduced (through a rather expensive agency) to a widower — who was everything I’d hoped for.

We were both in our 60s and seemed to have enough in common to attempt a relationship.

After a short meeting I thought I’d met a new soulmate — and know he was attracted to me. We lived within a reasonable distance and arranged our next meeting for a fortnight hence.

On the day we were due to meet he phoned to say he couldn’t because he felt he was being unfaithful to his beloved wife. I was devastated. We were both tearful as we said our goodbyes.

I did not love my husband any less than he loved his wife, but I am not giving up on the possibility of finding another partner to share my life with.

While he’d clearly thought the same, he couldn’t cope with the possibility that he might become close to another woman.

But he’s still vibrant and attractive and I cannot believe his loving wife would have wanted him to live out the rest of his life alone.

Surely the fact we have loved and cherished one person so well shouldn’t mean that we can’t make space in our hearts for another? Does a parent have any less love for more than one child?

Don’t you think it’s sad that people become so damaged by bereavement they cannot attempt a new relationship? It’s such a waste of a life.DEIRDRE

Bereavement affects people in very different ways. Posed by model

There are many ways of ‘wasting’ life and people do it all the time, squandering their precious days on this earth in bitterness, jealousy, malice, envy, idleness, greed, self-indulgence, rage and any other deadly sins you care to think of — not to mention slumping in front of the television night and day, while their time ticks on towards the final end.

On that scale, being faithful to a dead spouse does not seem quite so bad — or, indeed, sad. Bereavement affects people in very different ways, and you don’t tell me how long he had been thus afflicted.

You registered with the agency after two years; perhaps for him it was a  shorter time (and therefore too soon). This is a small detail, yet perhaps a significant one.

Naturally, I understand why you write in this vein, because your disappointment was acute. I admire your thoughtfulness; you’re not still holding out hope of rekindling that (very) fledgling friendship, but writing because you seek to understand.

Therefore you’ll like this quotation from the great psychiatrist and expert on bereavement Colin Murray Parkes, from his book Love And Loss: ‘There can be no substitute for the parent, child or loved partner who has been lost.

‘True, some of the pain of grief might be mitigated by making a new attachment. A bereaved parent may have another child or a divorced person may marry again, but people are not interchangeable and each new relationship will be unique in its own right. For this reason alone, each person we love is priceless.’

And for that reason, too, some people cannot allow the ‘mere’ fact of death to interrupt their relationship.

The beloved dead are always present. Read the poet and doctor Dannie Abse’s wonderful, moving memoir, The Presence (about his wife’s death) for further insight.

It’s good for you to reflect on these things, and to understand that we are all different, and that what feels right for you may not be so clear for other men you may meet in the future.

I hope you find love again, and celebrate its newness as you treasure your unique memories.

All I would say is, don’t take new meetings too fast. Don’t think in terms of ‘soulmates’, but as developing friendships. And treat all experiences as gain, not waste.

  And finally... Call to arms we should ALL take up

It was a very inspiring event. I was there for the annual BBC Richard Dimbleby Lecture on Tuesday night, given by billionaire Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft.

(Before I explain, let’s just give thanks that the BBC has been putting on this event almost every year since 1972, allowing a public figure to talk seriously and intelligently for an hour about something truly important. That’s what I call reality TV … )

Gates wasn’t considering the future of technology, but eradicating polio from the face of the earth. It was  awe-inspiring and bold.

This man (with his wife Melinda) has devoted an unbelievable amount of time, effort and hard cash to tackling issues which most rich people don’t bother to think about.

Since its inception, their Foundation has invested £15.8billion in grants, the current fight being the one against polio.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

His lecture was titled The Impatient Optimist. He said: ‘We cut the child mortality rate by 75 per cent in the past five decades. We cut the poverty rate by 50 per cent in the past two decades.

‘We eradicated smallpox. These are mind-boggling successes. Adding the end of polio to the list will be one of the great moral and practical achievements of our age.’

His passionate belief in his ‘moral and practical’ quest shone out: ‘The best of who we are — our capacity for innovation, our resilience, our sympathy for each other — has gotten us to this threshold.

‘Only disease, poverty and indifference stand in the way. The fight to eradicate polio is a proving ground, a test.

'Its outcome will reveal what human beings are capable of, and suggest how ambitious we are about our future.’

I raise it as a reminder that all of us can consider what we are capable of, and how best to stretch ourselves.

Gates’s call to action — ‘Yes, we can. Yes, we should’ — resonated far beyond the lecture.

Do we use the word ‘should’ enough, even in our personal lives? Believe me, this column gives me so many examples of ‘should not’, it was a relief to hear Gates invoke ‘all that is best about humanity’.