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BEL MOONEY: I've left my wife three times... but now I want her back

/li> DEAR BELSix years ago, I had an affair, my wife found out and was devastated. I hurt her and told her I wanted a divorce because I loved the other woman and didn’t feel any passion with her.

She told me I was a bully who constantly threw insults at her so how could she feel any passion?

She also said I gave her no support when she was ill or in the home, and, maybe, there was some truth in that.

My family and friends fell out with me and my 17-year-old son swung a punch at me, saying I’d better get on with the other lady’s son ’cos he was done with me.

'Eight months later I had another affair, got caught again and my wife changed and went very quiet and sad'

Well, it was a bad start to the new relationship — and soon I returned home.

Things calmed down and everybody was happy, but my wife no longer trusted me, although before it all, she was very trusting.

Eight months later I had another affair, got caught again and my wife changed and went very quiet and sad.

So to come up to date — last year I met up again with the woman I’d had the affair with six years ago.

My children had flown the nest and I grabbed the opportunity to be with the one I’d thought was the love of my life.

I left my wife again, moved in with the lady and found, four months on, that I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

The grass was far from greener. She liked her drink, got physically and verbally abusive when drunk, cheated on me and constantly accused me of cheating on her. A nightmare.

On the other hand, my wife is now in a relationship and looks fab and I now realise that I was married to a beautiful woman.

My problem is she likes her new life and is besotted by her new man, but I don’t want to lose her.

I thought I didn’t love her, but I do. Before six years ago, I never cheated on her and all our marriage needed was a bit of life blown into it. I would be grateful for some advice.PETE

Used as I am to the varieties of human foolishness, your handwritten letter still took me aback. I read it three times then typed it out — an activity which seared each word upon my brain.

If ever there was a moral tale, then this is it. It could be an ancient parable or fable designed to make folk learn a lesson.

    More from Bel Mooney...   BEL MOONEY: Even when I beg, my husband refuses to have sex with me 01/06/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I let my drunken, vicious ex-lover be a father to our baby? 24/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Should I boycott my mother's wedding to this ghastly gold-digger? 17/05/13   BEL MOONEY: Can I cure loneliness by selling up to be near my new love? 11/05/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm crying out for love but can't escape this black hole of despair 03/05/13   BEL MOONEY: We haven't had sex for 19 years but I can't escape my cheating husband... 26/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I've nursed my husband through cancer but now I want to leave 19/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I'm in love for the first time but not with my husband... 12/04/13   BEL MOONEY: I feel guilty my son is in nursery all week so I can work 05/04/13   VIEW FULL ARCHIVE  

The first response of most normal people reading your pathetic words will be to cry, ‘Aha! You got what you wished for!’ or alternatively, ‘You made your bed, now lie in it’.

Do you hope I’ll be more sympathetic than that? Attempt to salve your wounds and offer hope that you might be reconciled with your poor, long-suffering wife?

Well … in your dreams. You don’t ‘want to lose’ your wife? Oh, wake up, for pity’s sake. You lost her a long time ago and it is entirely your own fault.

The other day I had a truly interesting letter from a man I’ll just call J which I’ll quote at length. He feels it might be instructive for ‘any man who, like me, let his gonads rule his cerebellum’.

J has ‘carried anguish’ for more than 27 years, because of the affair that destroyed his marriage.

He writes: ‘The vileness, stupidity, and sheer horror of what I did have never left me. I lost my family, my home, my mental health and my career.

'Sure I got on my feet in the end — established a new career and re-married a caring, decent woman…

‘We have had some happy times but now as the indignities of old age begin to afflict us, how sad is it that I cannot and will not forgive myself for the pain I inflicted and the loss I incurred, even though my ex has happily re-married and my children have forged lives of their own.

‘Retirement hit me and no longer being part of that great flow of  activity which is the world of work, my mind has allowed the ghosts of the past to return.

'So strong is this “acid rain” that even after years of therapy, I weep most mornings for the loss of sharing my children’s childhood and the gross insult to my ex-wife.

‘Why on earth don’t we as a society follow the Ten Commandments and manage our lives in a wise and cherishing fashion rather than blundering into disasters?

‘Surely in a column that so often preaches forgiveness and kindness there’s some room for a few words of comfort to the fools that we are . . . the millions of men who go through this vale of tears carrying such an awful backpack of regret and remorse?

'No wonder the divorce rate for second marriages is so much higher than for first.

‘No wonder my wife and I are no longer close as the acid rain has worn thin the relationship we have tried to build over the past 27 years . . . and I am also in mourning for our “new” love which remorse has made me trample on, and practically destroy.’

J asks me for some comfort; all I can say is that I do pity his ongoing anguish and wish for him some peace at this stage of his life.

The fact that he expresses himself thus makes me respect him; forgiveness is possible only when people are truly sorry for their wrongdoing.

Although I see no point in his self-flagellation and wish he would let the past lie, there are those who say a guilty conscience will go on tormenting forever, for very good reason. But I can only wish J well.

You, Pete, are a rather different case. Nowhere in your letter is there any real remorse, just the whinge of a man who, in the words of Othello, ‘. . . like the base Indian threw a pearl away/Richer than all his tribe’.

So you didn’t realise the value of what you had until it was gone… am I really supposed to feel sorry for you?

Three times you inflicted wounds on your blameless wife; twice she took you back and sadly shouldered the heavy weight of her marriage, not knowing that her apology for a husband was just waiting for another chance to get down on all fours and chomp at the green grass in the next field.

It’s a divine judgment that now he finds it full of cowpats — while she is happy and loved in a new, free life. I don’t want you to get her back because you don’t deserve her. It sounds as if you deserve what you have.

  Can I find love after a mastectomy?

DEAR BELI’m hoping you can give me reassurance.

I am a 65-year-old divorced woman who had breast cancer and a mastectomy two years ago. I didn’t opt for reconstructive surgery.

Now I would like to meet a new partner but the thought of having an intimate relationship with someone scares me.

I fear rejection, but on the other hand I know that if someone truly loved me for myself, the mastectomy would not be an issue.

I tend to swing between the two then decide perhaps I’m best on my own.

My life is full and interesting and I am completely recovered, thank God.

My friends say that I’m loving, supportive and good fun, and judging from the number of invitations I get, I suspect this is true.

I work part-time in  a role that I find very fulfilling, and have  a respectful and friendly relationship with my ex-husband and four wonderful, supportive, grown-up children.

I feel I have a lot of love to give to the right person, but do not know of anyone who has gone on to have a full relationship with someone after a mastectomy.

Do you, Bel? I would love some advice on this matter.HELENA

'The thought of having an intimate relationship with someone scares me' (posed by model)

First, let me say how good it is to hear that you are so well — and so loved, admired and supported by everybody in your life.

My first question may seem a little strange, but since you didn’t send an email but a typed letter with (strangely) no address at the top, I have to assume you don’t use a computer.

If that’s the case my first advice is that you get one of your four lovely children to teach you to become computer literate.

You’re at the beginning of a new stage and the computer will open up so many avenues for you. It’s essential.

I don’t happen to know personally of anyone who has found love after having breast cancer, and so I had a look online.

Through the internet you will be able to ‘talk’ to many other women in your situation and this sense of community may be more helpful than I could ever be.

For example, I looked at breastcancer. org — just one excellent site full of information. Just putting ‘Single women’ in their search box delivered some really good guidance.

Then they have their ‘Community’ boards (you just click on it on the menu bar) where this topic was one of many under discussion.

A lady from the San Francisco area writes: ‘There are some, like me, who have found love after a mastectomy. It depends on the guy.’

Asked how it happened she explains: ‘OK, we met on eHarmony and corresponded for about six months before we were able to arrange our schedules for a face-to-face meeting . . . and then we moved in together two months later. It has been four months since then.

‘I brought up the breast cancer in one of our first emails, so there were no surprises. But by the time you hit 60, almost everybody has something that doesn’t work completely. Good luck!’

Another lady explains that at first she always wore a pretty, silky top, until she felt confident. And so on. Others recount less happy experiences, often with partners who duck out after the cancer.

And there are many women who seem to find that becoming the owner of a devoted pet is more rewarding than anything!

I honestly believe that it would be  interesting and useful for you to become a part of such an online community.

Might you find a new partner in time? Yes — because there are good, loving men out there. But if you don’t find love, you will  find much else — which will stimulate you and enhance the face you turn towards  the world.

  And finally... Book in for a nice dose of self-help

I often recommend self-help books in this column — saying (for years) how useful they  can be, especially if worked through carefully.

According to the Royal College of Psychiatrists, one in five of us will get depressed at some point in our lives and the answer is  not necessarily to go to the GP for pills.

Now a new study has suggested that prescribing self-help books on the NHS (currently available as part of the Books On Prescription scheme) is an effective treatment for depression. See overcoming.co.uk/books on prescription. The list should be useful.

TROUBLED? WRITE TO BEL

Bel answers readers’ questions on emotional and relationship problems each week.

Write to: Bel Mooney, Daily Mail, 2 Derry Street, London W8 5TT, or e-mail bel.mooney@dailymail.co.uk.

A pseudonym will be used if you wish.

Bel reads all letters, but regrets she cannot enter into personal correspondence.

Sometimes readers ask me to recommend titles to help with this or that problem, but that has pitfalls.

Not so long ago I mentioned a slim, light-hearted book on happiness and was rebuked by one reader who thought it trivial. Each to his/her own.

If anyone has asked me such a question and not received a helpful reply, then forgive me.

Books are so subjective — and in any case, what I personally find most useful is poetry, which isn’t to everyone’s taste.

For example, at the moment I’m reading the volume which won the T.S. Eliot Prize last month.

By the 70-year-old American poet Sharon Olds, it’s called Stag’s Leap and tells the story of a divorce which happened  15 years ago, when her husband of 32 years left her for another woman.

Anybody who knows my personal history will understand why I find it enthralling; all of us (even me) need others to express our feelings.

It’s not all sad. Olds writes: ‘. . . I saw, again, how blessed my life has been,/first to have been able to love,/then to have the parting now behind me./ and not to have lost him when the kids were young . . .’

You can usually find consolation, if you search hard enough.

That’s why collections of poetry like those published by author Daisy Goodwin (Poems That Could  Save Your Life etc) are so popular, and I also recommend Essential Poems from the Staying Alive Trilogy, edited by Neil Astley.

These are grab-bags of self-help; the dedicated books are main courses.

Whatever you choose, remember words can help you — and enjoy the search.


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